Your Emotional Needs Not Being Met in Relationships

256 миӊ. көрүүлөр70

    Don’t forget to subscribe to my channel to be notified every time I upload a new video. If you liked the video please click the like button, it really supports my channel.
    For more information related to this topic and much more follow me on Instagram, I post new content every day. alan_robarge_psychotherapist
    As an Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist, I teach and promote a model of Self-Directed Healing, which translates into a model of self-empowerment. We’re strengthening your ability to advocate for yourself. As Selfhealers, we take a holistic approach. This means we advocate for your mental health, your personal growth, and your overall well-being. It means you are in the driver seat of your own care.
    On my videos, I like to talk about and explore Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Codependency, Love Addiction, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Love Yourself, Fantasy Relationships, Trauma Bonding, and CPTSD Breakthroughs.
    Heal Your Relationships = #attachmenttrauma
    Trust Your Intuition = #selfhealers
    Repair w/ Reparenting = #innerchild
    _________
    In this video, I talk about what happens when our emotional needs go unmet in relationships. Many of us lose ourselves in deep disappointment when our partner becomes emotionally distant. We then often expect our partner to take care of our uncomfortable feelings by giving us the emotional connection we desire (or even deserve).
    The truth is however that in those difficult moments it is our job to take care of our own distress. We must learn the skills of self-soothing. We must learn not to demand that our partner be responsible for our uncomfortable, painful, prickly, panicky feeling states. This can be challenging when the reality is that the relationship lacks depth of emotional engagement.
    _________
    Thanks for watching this video.
    If the topic of this video has sparked self-reflection and you are now asking yourself “How do I overcome this?”, “How can I heal?”, the Improve your Relationships community is the right place for you. To learn more about the membership community visit www.alanrobarge.com/community The community provides a structured and reoccurring 8-week program of helpful conversations, learning, and support; it offers resources, worksheets, and videos. It promotes a model of self-directed healing and invites self-accountability. You are invited to join us.
    Also if you benefit from this video and would like to become a sustaining supporter through a reoccurring or one-time donation, then please check out www.alanrobarge.com/donate
    To learn more about working together go to www.alanrobarge.com/
    I offer Attachment-Focused, Trauma Informed Relationship Coaching and Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. I work with adult clients dealing with relationship challenges or failures, lack of purpose, emotional-developmental trauma, and loneliness. I help clients solve problems, feel feelings, and get unstuck. I work with clients via telephone and video-conferencing.
    Remember... emotional connections matter!
    Alan Robarge, LPC
    Attachment Focused, Trauma Informed
    Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach
    Your Emotional Needs Not Being Met in Relationships
    _________
    Want to learn more about relationships? Sign up for my Everyday Relating Questionnaire. www.alanrobarge.com/everydayrelating

    күнү жарыяланды 4 жыл мурун

    Жорумдар

    1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

      NO MORE CRUMBS - of non-emotional relating! I'm talking about improving our relationships. No more making excuses for emotional unavailability and withholding. You want more than crumbs! You want the whole cookie. You want presence, attention, warmth, and affection. You want to be seen, known, heard, affirmed, valued, and understood. No more chasing after someone who shows you minimum possible investment. Life is too short. Emotional connections matter, and it’s time that you changed this old dysfunctional pattern once and for all. Dysfunctional relating begins by picking an emotionally unavailable partner. You need to learn some new skills - boundaries, walking away, letting go, grieving your losses, and loving yourself more fully. No more abandoning yourself waiting around for someone who’s not coming around. Wake up to the reality distortion and fantasy projections, and commit to a real plan of action. Today is a new day! Time for clarity, standards, and a new outlook. It’s time to do your healing work. Join us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, if you’re serious about changing this old, painful pattern. If not, then you’ll stay stuck, choosing more of the same - choosing more crumbs! The membership community provides a structured and reoccurring 8-week program of helpful conversations, learning, and support; it offers resources, worksheets, and 180+ videos. It promotes a model of self-directed healing and invites self-accountability. It challenges you to grow. The program’s content is Attachment-Focused and Trauma-Informed. Every 8 weeks, we launch into a new cycle with Week #1, "Let's Talk About Partner Relationships." Week #2, Let's talk about Grieving Our Losses. Week #3. Let's talk about Family Relationships, etc. The program is not a course of sequential content presented in modules. The program design is based on your participating and engaging in self-reflective conversations with others and reporting what you are learning. Since the content is not sequential, new members are welcome to join us at any time. We'd love to have you - I'd love to have you. We are a community of kind, supportive learners who want to change old patterns of relating and improve our relationships. Learn more and register at www.alanrobarge.com/community.

      1. Christine Stewart

        This sounds like my partner, but my mental illness is his excuse to say I'm overly analysing ? Since we moved into his sons place, I get that from him also. I realise his son following his father, no emotional connection since living under the same roof? I can't tell him all those things you advised about, because he comes from a narssistic family background. 🙄 .my mental disorders

      2. Bee Bee

        This is perfect. Thank you

      3. MsShannaK

        Thank you for those words. I needed to see them now more than ever.

      4. Camille Williams

        Omygawsh I need you to be my therapist. I need to know the price... You just called me out on all my bullshit. I have done all of this to my beloved partner. I didn't realize that I was doing this to him and I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself for doing that to him. 😩😩😩💔💔💔😭😭😭😭 I had no idea I was being so self serving and mean. I mean step by step I've done everything you mentioned.

      5. Liam Bandit

        Thank u

    2. Charlie Piazza

      This video just turned my world upside down in the greatest way. My eyes are now OPEN. Thank you, sir.

    3. Jennifer Hawkins

      I am just learning about attachment theory. This is spot on with what I've been doing with my avoidance spouse. I apologized to him. You are right I chose an avoidant spouse. I see now it was very subconscious. I am working on becoming more secure. I can't change him and all the things you said I have tried. The hardest part is how much I love him but I may need to leave him for my own self-care and self-worth. Thanks again for your video.

    4. Rebecca Jones

      'That's who you picked'. Yes indeed. Thank you Dr. Robarge....Every second of your videos is packed with wisdom.

    5. Poolover39

      Spot on re your explanation of co-dependent expectations and perceptions!

    6. Meg Fan

      OMG, this video is literally talking about me and what I do when I feel really hurt and rejected by my boyfriend. It's making me cry when I realize that he is also really hurt when I call him out for not responding to my feelings and being pushed away. This is a really helpful video. Thank you. Will need to learn more from your videos.

    7. Chosily Fala

      All jour vidéos are m'y inner child finely speaking to me. Thank you a lot.

    8. Sweet Roll

      Dont mind me, just dropping timestamps for me later: 12:00-15:57 personal neediness 15:58 - 17:34 effects on partner 17:35 - 18:55 cause and affect 19:45 - 21:17 step one to fixing neediness 21:18 - 27:22 staying or leaving 27:22 - 28:30 leading and problem solving 28:30 - 29:48 self reflection and making the partner feel safe, secure, and attracted 29:49 - 33:46 skill, questioning your choice in partner, and negotiation with your partner

    9. NYC

      Three years old but highly relevant today. Excellent. Thank you. 🙏❤️

    10. Jason Arnold

      Phenomenal...!

    11. Lil Winged

      Extremely helpful.. my nervous system has been severely affected by neglect , abandonment, can't trust a soul. I was actually this very trusting person so much of my life. Now I have very high walls. Yes I see my resentment issues because of it. It's affected my health for years. I can't keep blaming my childhood and live like this. I have this attitude that it's best to just be numb and not feel anything. I was very much an Empath but I was able to snap out of it and stop feeling peoples feelings. I once had friends but no more. I was very much a feeling woman and it's like she died in me.

    12. Lynsie marie

      Thank you so much.. I am struggling right now and I don't want to to lose my partner..

    13. Mrs Hurst

      This was absolutely brilliant and so insightful. It beat the hell out of years of marriage counseling ❤️

    14. I Dont Know Anymore

      2020 here. I have such an emotionally voided boyfriend that he cannot even ask me "are you ok" when I recently lost my grandson OR if my daughter is ok, his mother. NOTHING. Together now for 7 years and on the same hampster wheel. He refuses to go to counseling. He even has problems with showing love, hugging. I know its his problem not mine BUT I would go through fire to help him. However, I feel I need to leave.

    15. Maria Alston

      Nothing is being Meet,All I ever hear is Well I pay the rent ,Hell I was paying that before u meet me! 🥱🙌🤨

    16. Jenny Marie

      Wow Alan... Thank you for your incredible insight. You make so much sense!

    17. Benjamin Wescott

      Thanks for making this video, I found it immensely helpful. I love lucid and relaxed observations of the things that can be anxiety inducing

    18. Toni Smith

      I ended it last night. He straight up told me he's never going to meet my emotional needs. A part of me will miss him for awhile. But I now realize he no longer belongs in my life.

    19. The animation station

      Preaching sir

    20. Caroline Le

      wow this video gave an incredibly clear insight into why my last relationship did not work out. My gut feelings had always told me the dynamic of the relationship was off. Now looking back, it became quite clear that the dynamic of demanding - avoidance was what pushed my partner away or shut him down, he was not willing to engage. I finally understood why communication eventually shut down between me and my partner due to mismatch of the availability of emotional engagement and that he was not willing to communicate further or put in the work to meet me halfway to work out the solution so we parted. I came to terms with the fact that we were not compatible in the long run and some things simply cannot be fixed. Thank you for this awesome video that shed light into a very important part of relationship dynamics that make or break the relationship!

    21. Mazol Davydova

      you are amazing. this was a GREAT video! thank you!

    22. Carlee Bell

      i closed my eyes to listen to this and it felt like you were speaking my thoughts verbatim... this was amazing i finally understand what’s going on in my head.. i can’t thank you enough

    23. No Face

      Most of the time it's very difficult, if not impossible, to discern what I actually need.

    24. Cara Copland

      My significa person displays a complete "Still face", which I'm trying to find ANY info on. We each have a rescue dog for example. Both act out and are very confused and even completely undisciplined due to his expressionless face. I ve never researched it until today, and find no info except the still face baby experiment. The only reply I do get is him telling me to be quiet with a finger on his lip or a calm "shoosh" as he busies himself with an activity or whistles. Somethings definitely off and I want to know if this is a recognised problem, if I can help correct it somehow, how I deal with it, as I feel engulfed in a very robot like situation and he never ceases. I'm 37, he's 72 and lied significantly about his intentions and age. I specified I only wanted a stable friendship. A dog walking partner. I'm confused as to how I'm getting the impression he says I'm his girlfriend and I ve ended the friendship twice from unwanted touching which was a joke he said. The complete lack of expression is his demeanour and what he adds to any emotive situation. I feel this video says, its my fault for needing to be heard but I swear in trying to work the basics out for a better environment for each of our dogs and ourselves. I ve tried to go no contact but somehow he's under my skin. I must MUST find a solution or pathway to help.

    25. Alessia

      I think this only increases the belief of these people that think of not being enough and they should improve themselves even more.. to have what they want in relationships

    26. Alessia

      I start with a soft approach but he keeps refusing to work on making change so then a person get angry after a while.. why only me I have to change things and approach or work on myself? And not them too? Not worth it

    27. Alessia

      “ you said it very well” 😂😂😂😂👏 what he was doing wrong

    28. Jose Velez

      Unfortunately, we can become trapped in these feelings. If your partner does not want to open up to you or refuses to be vulnerable with you, it is best to end the relationship.

    29. ds ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ

      wish i saw this earlier

    30. Stephanie OG

      It’s like you’re in my head and brought into words the exact feeling!!!

    31. Truth Savant

      36 years with an emotionally detached wife, I finally just bought a dog. Now she complains I spend too much time with my dog. She's not a dog person so that's her constant complaint 🙄

    32. Dominique Suddith

      Wow I needed this thank you

    33. shivam tomar

      Wish I could have got your advice 1 year back.

    34. shivam tomar

      This was the most relatable video, thanks a lot.

    35. Pia Om

      This is so helpful Alan, thank you

    36. MsShannaK

      Well that snatched me up real quick. First I was giving him the side eye because he was right and then I went back and listened again. Excellent video. Thank you.

    37. Dennis Bishop

      You sir have a great head on your shoulders! I have been stuck in this push pull arrangement for quiet some time, only now I have 2 daughters with my S.O. and this has compounded the fear and feelings of my emotional needs not being met but I never thought of the fact that she is most likely feeling the same way without the ability to express it in a way that we can both comprehend! So much to think about and new found hope in my heart with your brilliant idea of how to better communicate to her that I long for the day we can find a happy medium where both of us benefit from the compromise. The light you have shown me thru your understanding of this particular subject is something I will forever be grateful for! Now if I can just suck it up and come to terms with the fact that it most definitely has more to do with my shortcomings than I've ever been willing to admit and show her this video you may have just saved my family! Thank you sir and please keep the priceless advice coming

    38. Anna Whitakr

      This is great and very informative. My question is how does this relate to a man who demands his physical needs are not being met? Can you place a man who is demanding physical satisfaction in place of this person who is fighting to get their emotional needs met? I feel like many women are not able to meet a mans needs for whatever reason, it is very common. What is the appropriate position of the man who is demanding his needs are met, when she is not mentally or emotionally able to meet those needs.

    39. Joyce Bao

      Thank you!

    40. Joe and Laura Valenzuela

      How can a marriage come back after separation though? I know I need help for things I need to do in my marriage. But a lot of my insecurities are coming from how my husband is not connected with me. How can we ever go back after being separated now? Plus not sure he wants to try again.

    41. Lonamo 07

      As always this is fantastic way of demonstrating .Wow you are an amazing Teacher. Thank you so much for educating our Universe I believe this is Master class for me and a lot of people.THANK YOU.

    42. BMOZoedajit

      Wow this is me it really spoke to me I finally gave me perspective I need to see whats wrong with me in my relationship

    43. Randall Akers

      Genius! If your goal was to help people, my friend, you have succeeded. Please don't stop there though. I'm on marriage #3. I knew I had problems. Was guessing I couldn't feel love or was wanting too much, (really just wanted a bandaid on my boo boo's) when a search brought up this video. I believe I drove good women to drink, and all I wanted was to be loved. I listened, served, spent time, remembered details, asked questions and expressed my feelings. I made small simple requests, then some pleading, then begging, then shouting for help. All while still showing my love in ways she asked for. The pain was/is unbearable! To be told, "I don't want to help you, because I don't WANT to" screams, "I hate you!" I'm my love language. You got me dead to rights. You nailed it. You're a wizard! Still looking for solutions to help me work on me. In the mean time, I'm picking up old hobbies, tinkering, finding good social outlets, and trying hard to be civil and stay in this marriage. It's worth it. Thanks.

    44. Bubagigant

      Wow. An eye opener. I keep saying I don't have anyone I could connect with on a deeper level.. it's not them, it's me. Thank you.

    45. Alexandra Brown

      Thank you so much for this video.

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        I'm glad you liked the video. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    46. Adela M. Yepes

      I love how you broke this down. In all of the years of educating myself on love and codependency, you have nailed it like no one else has.

    47. Carol Dowell

      This is very insightful information and very enlightening in relationships.

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        I'm glad you liked the video Carol. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    48. Anthony

      Mate u r amazing thank u

    49. whatsupbudbud

      That's a nice spin on emotional needs not being met. And very logical. Thanks, I will definitely become a better person after implementing this sort of behavior in myself.

    50. Amy Lee

      You've got this on point. This explains what I've been doing. My boyfriend is very distant. I've gone from enjoying dating him, two years later that's all I do i complain about his actions and am very passive aggressive because he never listens to me. I feel like he's never available like I am for him. I'll cry, he'll ignore me when I'm upset on something, but when he's upset I seem to be there asking if he's okay. My mum always says why don't you just leave him when all you do is complain, and after watching this video I have realised it's because there is lack of emotional connection between us both.we don't see eachother much anymore and barely message eachother. I've been focusing on his actions so much that I haven't considered what I am doing wrong, so Thankyou for this video!

    51. SCARLETT K

      My Tragic Love Story😔😢 🙏🔗❤️My twin flame is in PRISON, we met thru fate, online via a similar poetry group... then fell in love, like a love story, our souls knew we reunited from a past life, and it was beautiful and painful to meet again but... All in all just a TRAGIC Shakespearean story has been unfolding😔❤️🔗💔 We were extremely bonded, this went on for 9 months, hoping and dreaming of a life together when he gets out, it was very painful because of the distance and uncertainty... We held on to eachothers spirits, none the less. Things got took a *tragic* turn when, he got caught with his cell phone and ended up on SOLITAIRE confinement. Now, he lost all phone privelleges. He is unable to use a phone now for a few weeks/months. 😢💔💌❕ I don't feel him anymore. I feel heartbroken 😢 By circumstances. Why is this happening. (Only communication would be for him to write me letters by mail 💌) I am having doubts about this connection... and ruled by sadness confusion😔 I wish I had something in the "real world", someone who I can see, feel and be with and that I can feel secure😢.... I Won't have any validation from him, only by letters, and feel like it's so hard being with someone who is so very far away! Not just fat away, but owned by the Prison System.🔗🔗🔗.. Makes me feel resentment for him, and like I'm absurd for continuing to try 😔🔗But I can't seem to end it. Am I crazy, or is this karmic? Meant to be? I love him. But feel so alone. Feeling attatched but told to let go by many, as it's such a "hopeless" and unfulfilling situation. Yet, having him officially cut out, makes my heart feel heavy. Wondering why I'm so trapped emotionally to him. A man who is locked 🔐 away being so in my heart and unwavering bonded and attached even with all the distance and Seperation. In search for Love and Truth🌹🙏🔗💔 Scarlett

    52. Ozlem

      So much YESSS!!! So much resonance in your teachings. Thank you

    53. Elsie Njane

      You captured my issues as though you were in my mind, best video l ever listened to, l see my problem in a more clear way.... l will certainly handle it better from now on.....the emotional distance in our marriage is like 2 continents apart

    54. JakeJoy Mulyk

      Thank you so much for this insightful talk. I am eternally grateful.

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        I'm glad you liked the video Jake. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    55. Mungu Akubariki

      This can only work with a partner who is emotionally intelligent like Obama. It would not work Someone like Trump who is emotionally immature. So choose your partner carefully. Someone with whom if things go wrong you have a base with which to start working from. Not an abyss

    56. Laura Faye Albrecht

      CHURCH. This rules.

    57. Diane Lewis

      This is a brilliant video. I have been so guilty of this and making ex partners wrong. Believe me it didn’t work. I chose people who could not meet my needs, and then made them wrong, which made things worse. It wasn’t until I started looking at my own behaviour that things started to shift. I think there are many of us who need to hear this message over and over.

    58. Vic

      Anyone recovered from this situation, any advice? I need help. I feel trapped

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        You may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    59. LuvG0ddess

      This was very helpful

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        I'm glad you liked the video. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    60. Ramona Flowers

      I cried when he said all the ways you have probably tried. No one, until now, has gotten it. Definitely on the 647th damn time and it's destroying me... I don't want to leave but I am drowning.

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Ramona you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    61. Amanda Madden

      A little introspection never killed anybody, but damn does it suck.

    62. Charlie Brown

      I'm so glad I found this...

    63. TSL_SLANDER

      I’ve never heard what I was going thru really spelled out so completely! This video is going to help me a lot!

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    64. Jillian Green

      22:40-22:55-ish is such a beautiful verbiage for initiating a compassionate separation 🙏🏻☺️

    65. Jay Fredrickson

      Okay Allen how do you get the transcripts from my relationship? Okay I winter I admitted it hit me like a ton of bricks I was wrong but I'm in it I humbled myself but now she's and brought out the claws what now? Before your video she was at it for a month tell I got it like she's punishing me now that I get it so yeah where do I go from here I don't know

    66. Jillian Green

      This channel is a gold mine for gaining greater self-awareness & insight in order to heal our attachment wounds. Thank you for your support in this sometimes tumultuous journey!

    67. Ichsan Gifari

      Thank you so much for sharing this, if I'm not finding this video I might be bitter to my partner for longer time, you do an important thing for many people :)

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate

    68. Coolio

      Wow this felt like a personal attack but thank you for letting me understand my actions from a different perspective

    69. Colleen Durston

      OMW, you have just described my 30 year marriage of which 15 years was 'do I stay or do I go'. I now have a new relationship and guess what - going the same way! (Hence searching you tube for answers). This is amazing and I hope I can repair or make the correct decision (just thinking about having to make a decision brings up huge fear). Thank you so much. Would you recommend that I ask my partner to sit with me and we watch this together (huge fear of communicating anything that might be considered negative)?

    70. AnAn

      I’m so glad that I stumbled across your channel. Helpful information ℹ️

    71. Carmen S.

      This is the kind of video you have to listen to a few times. Great content!

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Thank you for valuing my content Carmen. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate

    72. Kazique

      I agree with you... andwe still need both sides to work on their shit. It’s not just my neurotic nature and attachment issues from a traumatised childhood, it’s me AND my partner. Usually we all have bad past, but it is our choice if we want to stay in this mind model or realise that we will never form a healthy relationship if we cannot meet halfway. And by halfway I don’t mean we have to give the exact 50/50, but to recognise with wisdom and compassion what is is that we need and WHY.

    73. Ogechi O.

      This is interesting to me. I just have a very hard time accepting blame of wanting emotional intimacy, support and quality time that I myself had a hard time giving but made the conscious effort on improving for the growth and health of that relationship. How is wanting to be treated how I treat someone a character flaw. I’m really trying to understand this video better. Maybe I’m too bitter to see myself as the culprit when all I wanted was a friend in my lover too.

      1. TheOzzk

        This video is for people who have not done the work yet. This is NOT for someone who owns their needs, and it a differentiated individual with clear and reachable goals, personally and emotionally. It's confusing.

    74. Andrea Lynch

      Oh and Mr. Robarge , I only found you on you tube recently. I wish I had long ago. Your colluding with betrayal sounded interesting. I tuned in , at first I'm thing what an ass h- !! How rude. I watched it again yesterday. Now im like , what a dumb ass I am. Yeah, I'll beat him down with resentment and his cold behavior. Then we can both experience hell. Smh. I never saw THAT way of thinking. Looks like you will be the go to guru for this girl. Thank you for your straight forward, non sugar coated reality check. The boot up the rear I needed to Move Along for God's Sake. Geeezzz

    75. Riitta Korpipää

      Golden moments in KGup. Thank you so much!!!

    76. Regi Z

      I have abandonment issues so yes I act codependent and try to make people show up or engage me. Please show up doesn’t really work.

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

    77. Emmanuel PELTIER

      So important video, thank you very much 🙏🏼

    78. Fredrick Hall

      I need help please with this its driving me nuts this emotional feeling somebody talk to me

      1. Fredrick Hall

        @Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist thanks

      2. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    79. C G

      I sabotaged every relationship I was in until I worked thru this issue with a therapist. I’m grateful I woke up or else I’d be making every partner responsible for my happiness which is impossible. Therapy works

    80. Tsebo mahao

      Lit. I felt attacked.😂 Thank you for this, I've been searching for this answer

    81. Sara

      I take inventory of how my partner fails me so intensely. I needed to hear this. Cue the „It seems like you‘re looking for reasons to be upset“ and „I can‘t do right with you“ I have been confronted with in several relationships..

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. Consider joining in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    82. Heather Travis

      OMG, he is amazing. This is gold. I need this. Tired of being coddled for being a codependent! I need the TRUTH!

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    83. swabjocky52

      Wow! You really supported the partner who is consistently avoiding their partner. My takeaway...you’re advising me to suck it up or shut up and accept my husband doesn’t need to contribute to our marriage. And you’re darn right about my feelings being wounded and my own issues of not handling rejection. You go on to say It’s my fault and I need to fix myself and I can’t get over it and should just accept his poor behavior.s or get l divorced. I wonder where you got your credentials, Kmart?( I especially love your connection to my menstruation cycle needing to sync up with his menstruation. Interesting. I also love your assumed accusation that my expectation for love is not conducive to his indifference toward me. Skill excuses his lazy, selfish behavior. Then, the advice that I should just get a divorce. Screw you. You’re obviously the SELFISH jerk in any relationship you’re in which apparently is with your cat. You should really stop advising and prance back to your own dysfunctional BS. Maybe you should call your community a bunch of self-serving tinker bell-inflated ego. Sounds like you’re a drama queen who thinks way too much of yourself. Most of all, it’s obvious YOU are a misogynistic jerk who takes pleasure in beating up on already damaged people looking for help in order to save a marriage. Did I miss where your drivel is transparent right from the start as @Difficult gay man who hates women give unsympathetic crappy advice assuming it’s the woman nagging her husband for more more more. Wow! What an asshole-why not try a subject you likely know a lot about on several levels. I’ll just rate your effective coaching as A S S H O L E R Y at its OPTIMUM!.

    84. J Beans

      This is exactly what is happening in my relationship... I'm trying very hard to learn the correct way(s) to go about this. I really just want our relationship to be stronger and for us to build a foundation for our future ... And we've had these little issues that we never handled . And they have grown into something so big because of the constant avoidance . So now if they get brought up ..it's only annoying now, for both of us. But these problems are still there . And it's like she chooses not to see them and chooses not to do anything about them even tho that they are a constant fight . She won't join me in trying to get past them so we can stop arguing. Like wtf do I need to do ? Ive been ready to leave for a long time..but I truly love her and really do want this to work ... And she says she does too.. and says she wants these things to change as well and then doesn't do anything different . Just does the same crap that didn't work the first 10 times. And refuses to make any changes...yet wants me to change everything im doing ? I'm ready to walk away .. she's constantly breaking it off or needing space... But then a few hours later she's back saying sorry and she loves me and needs me .. and then does the same shit over again! Ahhhhhh!!!!

      1. redlinegsxr1

        my girl is the same way but cannot show me anything or communicate with me.. it makes me so miserable but i love her so much

    85. Special Guest

      ; thank You, i needed to hear that. i appreciate You

    86. Bee Bex

      Brilliant Video 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

    87. Eva Wright

      Well, there you go. Sums up my relationship entirely.

    88. Meowlenean

      People have always told me how stress is the root of my pain. I never really dealt with it but I'm at the point where I'm always triggered even tho the abuse is over and my spirit is wilted and I don't know how to fix it...

    89. Haley Peterson

      What if they're withholding and telling you they don't love you? But when you say you'll move out and move on, they say they don't want you to?? I feel so confused and lonely.

    90. My precious

      👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

    91. Jessica Brandt

      THank you soo much !!!

    92. ChaMusic

      I can't believe how you described every aspect of my relationship. This really helped me a lot. I instantly subscribed because I want to be the better version of myself, and I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to achieve this with your videos. Thanks a lot for the information!

    93. regina turney

      I am a Scorpio or whatever. I am very emotional. A lot of people in my life aren’t.

    94. After Coffee With Jess

      Wow! So helpful! Thank you!

    95. Sunnie L

      this is why he ghosted me. I blew up at him because we were not spending enough quality time and I complained about it. He became defensive and then he stopped initiating altogether. But throughout our relationship he never called me. He only texted and wanted to text only. I told him I can't do just texting. It was a very difficult relationship due to the minimal phone conversation. BINGO, hit the nail on the head. My protest shut him down =( he didn't have the skills to deal with me so he totally ghosted. ='( But I don't understand why he stayed away so much. I got scared. It was the start of the Covid quarantine. Feeling sad about that dang situation.

    96. Bryan Stark

      I like the chart idea visually, it's like those biorythm charts that show when two wave lengths cross then that will be a good day! I wish there was an app for that.

    97. angel wings

      All you have talked is completely like me..suffering huge or a superlative anxiety feeling....thanks for this video i'll try to be soft....the more i opened to him how he hurted me by ignoring me......he throwed himself away and away...watching from phils...

    98. Lisa J

      This is 100% to the T what happened with my ex 2 weeks ago.

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Lisa, Powerful emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming. The reason I created the membership community because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

    99. Samuel Watterson

      my recent ex was like this, and I was the avoider, until finally I left, my reason that it is far more peaceful and safe on my own

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Samuel, These are sometimes hard dynamics to navigate. Thank you for responding. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started. www.alanrobarge.com/community

    100. Samuel Watterson

      thanks very good

      1. Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

        Samuel, glad this resonates.